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How are you feeling?

Response 1:

"I'm not sleeping again. It turns out my body might be reacting to antidepressants. The annoying symptom? Night sweats. We thought it might be lymphoma. It wasn't. That was a fun couple of weeks. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that this won't be the end of it, that the next medicine will fail too, and those absolutely terrifying impulses to harm myself and the thoughts of failure that I tell myself I am over and over and over and over and over and over again will one day be too much. Will these thoughts that only seem to stop in short intervals darken into complete mental breakdown? My biggest fear isn't snakes or falling, it's that I will end up on the street and lose my intellect and sanity, being mocked by people who don't know what mental illness is like. I'm afraid that the loneliness I seem to NEVER break from free from will enslave me into a life of dependence on others. I was doing so well but maybe wellness is just an illusion for the mentally ill as we look out at people smiling and try our hardest to act it all out. Give us a bloody Oscar. We are master actors. Actors in a world with many other actors who pretend to actually give a damn about other human beings. There are sick people in the streets. Will I be one of them? This disease makes you hate yourself. It also makes you hate the world when you see how people treat us. It makes you cynical. We are maniacs shooting up schools? Thanks for that by the way. It isn't all horrible, it's just the times that are low feel overwhelmingly so. I ate my lunch crying in the car at work today. The reason? Please tell me because I don't have a clue. I'm about to welcome my second child into the world. I'm trying to juggle a job, an internship, school and my family. Some days I'm swimming. Some days I'm treading water. Some days I'm drowning. Why can't my brain just be normal all the time? I'm trying to talk about it. You'll look at me funny. Think I just want attention. Think I'm weak. Think I'm crazy. Think I'm a coward. When you really get to know me you'll run. I can't go through this again, not without treatment, not without help. Jesus called me to run towards my brokenness. How can I when I feel like my entire body is broken? My mind says quit. Sometimes it shouts it, sometimes it whispers it, most of the time it just lingers in the shadows, stalking me in the quiet. No wonder ancient men and women called this disease demon possession. I feel like there is another me staring from behind the mirror. The mirror. I hate you. I hate everything I see in it. I've had healing before and I know I will again. It just hurts too much. I'm not ready. Please, will you help me?"

Response 2:

"I'm alright, just feeling a bit tired."



Comments

Tina said…
We need a different opener than "How are you?" We'd tell fewer lies to people who don't want or are prepared to hear anything other than "Great".

It took me years to find the right antidepressant (right meaning I can function again and the side effects are only bothersome, not debilitating. I'll pray that God speeds relief to you, whatever form that relief takes.
Teresa said…
I am glad I am not the only one who suffers from this. The bad thoughts are hard to fight against and rarely a day goes by without wishing for it all to be over. However I know that there is help that there will be ups and downs. Sounds like you are really stressed. Praying and rooting for you!! Keep fighting and don't give up. Rest in the arms of God. Rememeber the love.
Anonymous said…
So.. this sunday i went back to church. For some reason i hide from my people more and more as i fall into a spiral of uneasy mind control during my depressive episodes.they will sometimes last 3 days or 3 months. I just coast...or gliding as i call it. Patiently waiting for the faint whisper of direction. Listen i couldn't have described my life and feelings in a better way. I used to think everyone could see right through me. See my pain and curious nature of what could be next. You explained me. And i sat there and took it even though i wanted to get up and run. I was actually the first one out the door.. i just didnt want my issues to be visible or acknowledged..so i ran.

But you moved me..you describe me unknowingly. You acknowledge uncertainty on a level of true understanding. Most would never get it.. but you spoke to me through god with you as the vessel. . I needed that, so for that i thank you.
Listen i could truly appreciate the underlying msg
on a very personal level.
Back to hiding i go...
I am glad I was able to encourage you - you are not alone in what you`re going through. It took me years and years to be able to talk about my mental illness in public, but I have learned the power of exposing our inner demons with people we can trust and people who care for us. I hope you are finding the support you need, feel free to email me through the church website if you ever feel like talking. Will be praying for you.

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