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Beard Facts and Anti Anti Beard Propaganda Truthfulness

All of these facts are 40%-80% true.

1. Beards stop UV rays. That's right. A beard is more powerful than the freaking sun.

2. People fear them. Wait, that isn't a good thing you say? Well, people fear Batman.*

3. Nature gave us beards for a reason. 110% of beardless men experience the harshness of winter more severely then bearded men. Scientists have proven that those who lack the insulation in sub zero temperatures experience subtle brain grey matter loss.

4. Millions of children are confused by beardless fathers. A beard says to a child: "I love you, and this glorious beard is proof." Children of bearded men are 42% more likely to graduate with a Master's degree because a beard provides a sense of family pride.

5. In the ancient days, bearded Saints and Monks were legally allowed to kill you if you mocked and/or touched their beards. Beards symbolize piety and power, and the beard follicles of upright men have been known to alleviate sickness.

6. *Some* women prefer beardless men. A recent study linked 84% of these women to offshore money laundering organizations and 32% of those to communist radicals. It has been argued that when men in a society become beardless, that society is doomed.

7. There is a direct link between the lack of beards in society and global warming.

8. If you have a beard and someone punches you in the face, their hand might get slightly rug burned.

9. Shaving wastes 87 trillion liters of water hourly in the United States alone.

10. Shaving cream is made with the blubber of seals.

11. Chewing on beard hair prevents cavities.

12. When asked why he wore a beard, Abraham Lincoln replied: "Because America deserves the best."

13. When sleeping, the breath that moves across the beard hairs resonates at the same frequencies of Beethoven's 9th symphony.

14. No alien has ever been depicted with a beard. Beardless men = alien invaders.

15. Walker Texas Ranger.

* Why doesn't Batman have a beard? If Batman had a beard, people would probably die, and everyone knows Batman doesn't kill. So if you're Batman, you actually shouldn't have a beard, but if you're not, then you should because you should be like Batman but not. 

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