Skip to main content

Fatherhood

I am becoming aware of the relationship between parenthood and time. This little creature, who is small in mass, but enormous in meaning, has created, like gravity, a force between my life now, and my life to come. Before I held my daughter, time seemed endless, something in the distant horizon - but it is now accelerating towards me at an alarming pace.

Six months might not seem like a long time to experience parenthood, but I assure you, the changing perspective that it creates is instantaneous. I am now charged with a very important task, a task that is overwhelming in its scope. I have to make sure I don't screw up - which unfortunately isn't a very easy task considering how screwed up I myself am. It's like every night I go to bed praying to God: "Ok God, please don't let me screw this up". God doesn't usually answer me when I talk to him, I usually hear this pretty strong voice that sounds really familiar pointing out every mistake I've made the past decade, the past year, the past day, and think, "Oh dear Lord, my kid is going to turn out like me, a high school drop out" or, "what if she suffers from lung disease or depression"? Or, what if this happens, what if she chokes on that button on her shirt, what if she suffocates on the blanket in her crib? What if she is allergic to apples? Apples God! Don't let her be allergic to apples! What if she gets epilepsy like Katie on Degrassi Jr. High? What if the zombie apocalypse happens and they eat my baby alive?!?! (Thanks a lot, scene with the child seat on The Walking Dead). Pretty much I worry about her every day, from the moment I knew she existed, until thirty minutes ago.

Childhood seems very close to me because it is now staring at me in the face every day. The future seems to be on a collision course with me, and I sometimes wonder if I'll be able to get out the way....

I have not accomplished a single professional goal in my entire life. I can't help but feel so disappointed, like I letting down one of the most important persons in my life. I know her life is so simple now, but soon she will grow old and no matter how hard I try, I will make a mistake, I will say something absurd, and I will let her down. That is the most terrifying thing... I don't want to be an embarrassment, I don't want to let her down.

I am constantly being reminded of how important this life is. For all the anxiety, there also comes a new passion for doing good in the world. I see my wife shine as a mom - the love she lavishes on Holly makes me feel so lucky.

I've never understood why some men treat women like garbage. Now I am completely flabbergasted and have no clue how fathers of daughters can treat women like garbage.

First of all, much love and admiration for what my wife went through. It's insane. I don't think there is any other word that I can think of. Some people use beautiful to describe it. I guess I get that....

But it is pure madness. I've always loved my wife to pieces, but she is now my number one hero.

Insanity.

But here I am, six months later, and I literally just wake up in the morning to this little smiling bundle of joy, who is usually laughing at a wall or something. Then she just usually laughs and smiles, naps, wakes up, does a bunch more laughing and smiling, and then it's off to bed ready for some more awesomeness the next day.

I know things won't always be this simple - but going through it with such an amazing wife, and a daughter that makes me so proud makes all those fears and anxieties, and frustrations seem a little bit more manageable. No matter what happens, my little daughter has brought joy into my heart every single day of her existence, even now she is pointing us to the grace and love of God.

What a nice little surprise.



Comments

Anonymous said…
That was beautiful. Thank you for sharing. It made my day to know how much you love your family and it gives me hope for a brighter future.
Matthew said…
I am glad I could encourage you. Blessings!

Popular Posts

Let's Talk

I went to go check out a childhood friends facebook page in the winter of 2010. I hadn't talked to him since I was a teenager. I soon found out that I would never talk to him again,

I did a quick google search and found out that he had been apart of an online gaming community. I tracked him down to some forums where I suddenly became away that something tragic had befallen him.

The last time I had talked to him was shortly after I moved back to southwestern Ontario. I don't remember much of the conversation, except that he told me he was feeling depressed. I was 13 at the time and depression was just a word that I thought meant "sad". We caught up, talked about the trivial things that 13 year old boys talk about, but something wasn't right. We never talked again. 
Now 15 years later I was reading these words about a person who was once a close friend of mine. "What a f***ing coward." or "I can't believe someone could be that selfish.". It …

Did God Command Genocide?

If you've ever taken any interest in the debate between Christianity and Atheism, you've more than likely come across the following critique of the Bible: "The Old Testament God is hardly one to be worshipped. He's a vindictive, angry, jealous God who commands genocide!"

This line of attack is hardly unjustified. How are we to respond when we come across verses like these?  However, in the cities of the nations the Lord your God is giving you as an inheritance, do not leave alive anything that breathes. Completely destroy them - the Hitties, Amorites, Canaanites, Perizzites, Hivites, Jebusties - as the Lord your God has commanded you. (Deut 20:16-17) Go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy all that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys. (1 Sam 15:3) For some, the solution is easy. Simply pretend like these verses don't belong in the Bible. Problem solved. But this creat…

How are you feeling?

Response 1:

"I'm not sleeping again. It turns out my body might be reacting to antidepressants. The annoying symptom? Night sweats. We thought it might be lymphoma. It wasn't. That was a fun couple of weeks. I'm terrified. I'm terrified that this won't be the end of it, that the next medicine will fail too, and those absolutely terrifying impulses to harm myself and the thoughts of failure that I tell myself I am over and over and over and over and over and over again will one day be too much. Will these thoughts that only seem to stop in short intervals darken into complete mental breakdown? My biggest fear isn't snakes or falling, it's that I will end up on the street and lose my intellect and sanity, being mocked by people who don't know what mental illness is like. I'm afraid that the loneliness I seem to NEVER break from free from will enslave me into a life of dependence on others. I was doing so well but maybe wellness is just an illusio…